cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
