My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
