How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
