A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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