I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
