Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
