So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
