Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
