So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
