new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize