my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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