He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
