I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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