i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
