Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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