is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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