once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
