I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she looked like the before picture.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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