Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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