I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
