You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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