I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
