I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
