I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize