Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
