Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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