I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
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