I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
