I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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