i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
