How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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