I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
