I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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