You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
