so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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