Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I miss vodka workout Fridays
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize