My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
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She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
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Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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