Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You have to summon your inner elephant
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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