oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
