it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
it glows. i had to have it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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