If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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