How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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