we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
