I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
