Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
