ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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