Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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