hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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