I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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