Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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