The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Drake has all the answers
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
