ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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