I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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