does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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