she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
It's shark week go big or go home
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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