Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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