i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
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