3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
