I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
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he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
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He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
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