I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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