just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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