I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
