She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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